When they say to expect the unexpected they mean it. I expected to be exhausted,I expected all the uninvited advice. I expected to be filled to the brim with love…
What I didn’t expect was the constant worry, protectiveness, and fear of the unknown. I didn’t expect the loneliness, even though I had my husband helping out every step of the way. I didn’t expect to cry almost every night after my husband went to bed because he needed to be up at 2:45 in the morning for work. I didn’t expect to feel so alone, even though he was only sleeping in the next room. I didn’t expect my home to feel so unfamiliar to me the days after giving birth. I felt like I was placed in an alternate universe, that my home was just a set, and I was playing a role in some strange sitcom. I recognized my bed, my couch, my kitchen, the sheets I slept in days prior to going into labor. But even through my attempt to grasp these things, this familiarity, and to find myself again…I could not. My environment had changed completely, everything was forever changed.
I didn’t expect to worry about this tiny human being for every second of every day. I didn’t expect to wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest to the single sound of my baby hiccuping in his sleep. I didn’t expect that during the first few weeks my baby would literally be an extension of me, I would have to learn to eat, make a bottle, and prop a pillow under me all one handed, while holding a screaming newborn.
I didn’t expect how gut wrenching the sound of your child’s cries could shake you to your core. I didn’t expect that sometimes your baby can’t just be “soothed”, that it takes more than that, and sometimes it takes hours. I didn’t expect the exhaustion to be so overwhelming that at times, my frustration and irritability levels would be through the roof. I didn’t expect the guilt for feeling that way.
What I didn’t expect the most was the up and down whirlwind of emotions. And the ability for your baby’s smile to change your mood completely. I didn’t expect to be filled with so much pride, joy, and bliss when looking into his eyes. I didn’t expect to feel so blessed, scared, sad, overjoyed, and content all at the same time. I didn’t expect how NON routine a baby is, and how you cannot fit this tiny human into a schedule at all times. I didn’t expect to see so much change in such a short period of time…
What I know to expect now, is to understand that the only thing constant in this life is CHANGE. And it is our ability to ADAPT that can define us in a moment. And in this moment, I am embracing it all… the good moments, the scary moments, and the quiet moments.

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